Forgiveness: Why is it so hard?

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

"Forgiveness is not a personality trait I was blessed with," I used to say to my grandmother, as she would sigh and roll her eyes.

This is what I have thought my whole life; that somehow the ability to forgive someone stemmed from a personality trait I had never inherited. It would take me years to understand that forgiveness is much more than that. It is something that is so difficult, that you will think you've done it when you haven't.

Some things forgiveness isn't:

1. Forgiveness is not forgetting.
2. Forgiveness is not forgetting anger.
3. Forgiveness is not forgetting sadness.
4. Forgiveness is not ignoring.
5. Forgiveness is not easy.

Things forgiveness is:

1. Forgiveness is clarity.
2. Forgiveness is acceptance.
3. Forgiveness is hope.
4. Forgiveness is love.

I think part of the reason I was so 'against' religion in my teenage years was because I couldn't imagine someone forgiving me of all the wrong I'd done. I wasn't the worst person in the world, but I wasn't a saint either. 

Something I still struggle with to this day is understanding how Christ can forgive every person who believes in him. I don't think it's a stretch for us to admit that there are horrible people in this world. Still, I am working on it, as I am forgiving others around me for what I have perceived as transgressions against me.

Mark 11:25

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

I am famous for forgetting rather than forgiving. I have no problem just moving on from something and acting like it never happened. I let whatever hurt me stew inside me until I can't stand it anymore, and then I explode. I could never understand the people who said that they could "forgive, but never forget". I'd frequently ask myself, "How can you forgive, but never forget? Forgetting is the easy part."

But that's just it. I'd stressed myself out for years trying to find the easy way out to forgiveness. There is no easy way out. It is one of the hardest things you will ever do. You have to look within you, and if you need to you ask Christ to help you - do it, and He will. He will remove that anger and that hurt from within you.

Forgiveness is not for them, it is for you. That is why I never understood the quote. That person will have to live with whatever they have done to you. The guilt will eat them up inside, but you? You have forgave. You have cleared your heart. You have truly moved on. You will be happy. 

The way that I look at forgiveness now is: Look at everything humanity has done and continues to do. The Lord forgives us all. He died so that we may be forgiven. If Christ can forgive millions of people who have done horrible things, I can look one person in the eye, and truly forgive them. 

Daniel 9:9

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.

I've only just understood and figured out this concept, but let me tell you all, it is truly a relief - it is like a skyscraper has been lifted off my shoulders. I want you to experience that too. I want you to know what it like to be so happy, tearfully happy even. You deserve it. No matter what you have done, you deserve to know what it feels like to forgive and be forgiven.

Dream Weaver and Sign Believer

1 Kings 13:3 

"And he gave a sign the same day, saying, 'This [is] the sign which the LORD hath spoken'."

I am a big believer in signs. This doesn't always register well with my protestant peers. My Catholic friends - particularly hispanic Catholic friends - always agreed with me that signs are real. I also believe in messages through dreams. Still, I think this even might be too 'new age' for my Catholic friends. Today's post is why I believe in them, and why I think they're important in correlation with Christ.

When I was sixteen years old I was agnostic. I was vaguely aware that there was a higher power, and I let it stay that way. I want to make it very clear that I have never been an atheist.

I was, however, more Christian-aware than my Christian friends at the time. What I mean is that I had read the bible and, almost obsessively, watched every biblical show I could get my hands on. I didn't do this for the well-being of others. I did this to protect myself from every Christian who tried to tell me that my agnostic viewpoint would get me sent to hell. I threw bible verses back at them anytime they'd come to me with any judgment.

This was, of course, after I had gone to church as a child (7-14). I'm really not sure what came over me when I was a teen, but I think it was realizing that the world isn't perfect, and I had a hard time reconciling that any god would let these things happen.

I stayed this way until this past year. I went on a bit of health kick and lost some weight, and began to do yoga. I always faced my window, and outside I could see trees in blossom and the sun radiating through the glass. It was a perfect, silent, calm moment. I thought, This must be what God feels like. What a peculiar thought for someone who had fought, with every fiber of her being, against this very line of thinking. I stopped myself and immediately called one of my friends who was a Lutheran. I told him I wanted to go to church, and I wanted him to go with me.

As you can imagine, he was confused, but he went with me.

Although I am not a Lutheran, we attended that type of service, since he was. The service was amazing, and I finally felt like the pastor got me. Well, not necessarily me, but my line of thinking. He wasn't beating my head to death with a bible, he was even poking fun at some of the passages, but his joking about didn't take away from the value of the text. He was charismatic and funny. He was exactly what the church needs more of. He applied the bible in a way that actually applies to my life in modern day. That is not an easy task to do, and I am happy he was able to.

Now, I was never planning on doing yoga. This is something I had teased one of my friends about profusely when she became an instructor. Through her recommendation, however, I gave it a try. If it wasn't for this moment in time, I would never have found God again - and I truly believe that. I have many other times that signs have "saved me", but this one is one that changed the course of my life, and that's why I have chosen to share it with you.

I think even bad things can be explained away, as much as we don't like it. I am thankful for every awful thing that has ever happened to me, because if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am now. That, to me, is sadder than any of the bad things that have happened. Have I cried and been miserable? Yes. Have I been depressed? More than you can imagine. I've even been suicidal. All of these things, they happened for a reason, they have led me to this point: a point where I am happy and have found God. I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I have never been happier.

Daniel 2:19

"Then was the secret revealed unto Daniel in a night vision. Then Daniel blessed the God of heaven."

Well, this title also has a Dream Weaver title in it, doesn't it? I'm not saying I'm as important as Daniel, here, but I do believe we are all given our personal messages from God in our dreams.

I'm going to try and not sound too far fetched and crazy here, but if you know anything about Mormonism, you know they believe in receiving a personal testimony from Christ. Personally, even as a Protestant, I've always thought this was a little far fetched. Did all those guys in the Ol' Testament get messages from God? You betcha. Did lots of people get messages in the New Testament? Of course. I had this thought after my own personal testimony of Jesus Christ: Why is it so far-fetched to us that someone of our time could get one too?

A few months ago, I had a dream in which I was extremely happy. I was attending church regularly, I had a family, and we were all happy. I remember specifically that our entire family was very Christ-centered. I can't explain to you how happy I was - I have never felt that type of happiness or love, and it being in a dream just made it that much more odd. I remember my shift between a waking and sleeping state and I felt as if someone was talking to me, saying Remember this is Jesus Christ. And I did remember, I ended up grabbing my phone (and, in the process, injuring myself) so I could type into the note feature everything that it said so I wouldn't forget. For the next two hours I could not sleep because over and over in my head, like a looping CD, was This is my personal testimony of Jesus Christ.

Now, you can think I'm crazy - and that's okay.
I mean it.

If one of my closest friends would've told me that prior to my experience, I would've told her she was nuts. I understand what it's like to be the person on the opposite side of this experience. Thinking she's crazy, but also questioning why it's never happened for you. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's happened for me, and now I'm sharing it with you. I hope you all get your own, because it will truly put you in awe.